Please follow some basic rules for a safe and sane holiday:

1. Do not drink and drive.

2. Do not smoke crack and drive.

3. Make sure you have enough toilet paper at home in case guests come over.

4. Do NOT shoot anyone.

5. If you serve cheese and crackers, buy new cheese. Death from eating moldy cheese is the cause of 30% of holiday fatalities.

6. Watch a college bowl game on TV if possible. If you don’t like football, get drunk first then watch.

7. Make and eat homemade fudge.

8. Do not give fudge to your pets. Fudge eating causes 65% of pet deaths during the holidays.

9. Do not watch any news networks on TV, unless you are either drunk, on crack or some sort of strong mind altering medication.

10. Follow all of these 10 rules in moderation.

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