The Deal Is!

Duke Stern said holiday shopping sucks. Stephanie Stephens said bah humbug. They’re both right.

I had to go to The Optical Shoppe at Fred Meyer, located on the banks of the brown Puyallup River today to get my screwed up new glasses reordered. I don’t think my prescription was wrong, I think the glasses were screwed up. But I digress.

I stopped at Fred Meyer across from Cheney Stadium in Tacoma to get gas. I almost got in an accident three different times, just trying to get to the gas pumps in the parking lot. They were all women; one was really old and all three were stupid for driving like anus hairs.

A semi-truck driver carrying italian food products merged at the last second and almost killed me on Hwy 16 where all the ass-backwards road construction is going on. I just assumed he was a goon and let it go.

I pulled into the Fred Meyer parking lot in Puyallup and was not going fast enough. A very butchy/lesbian/stocky/angry looking woman (I think it was a woman?) was on my tail and maybe she didn’t like my anti-Obama sticker on the back window of my fuel wasting Ford Explorer. I had to stop, back up and re-aim so I could park without hitting the shopping carts. I am such a bad driver! She pulled up behind me and gave me a dirty look. Then when I got out of my gas hog she walked past and said, “Nice! Real nice!”

I usually let things like that go but I totally snapped. I ran after her and yelled, “Screw you, bitch!” She was walking really fast and I could tell she was trying to get lost in the crowd going in the front doors. A Pearl Jam-looking kid walking past me made laughed and made a comment about the butchy woman.

Heading back home along the muddy river banks, an Indian/Pakistani/Taliban looking gentleman was driving a Toyota in front of me. He had dog in the front seat with him and a woman in the back seat. The dog was jumping all around and the guy was climbing around while he was driving, trying to control the dog. No, I guess he couldn’t just pull over and control the dog that way….

The Indian/Pakistani/Taliban woman sitting in back never moved; she might have been dead. I’m not sure.

On I-5 I got cut off again by another semi-truck driver and a blonde witchcraft looking chick who had a punky trashed looking young man in the passenger seat. Then the Taliban looking guy showed up in front of me again.

My wife would have not liked my behavior, but I’m sure there were people trying to kill me.

I need to buy a big rifle, or I need to move out of Tacoma, or both.

I am going to spend the rest of the day eating chocolate and putting up anti-butch/anti-Taliban Christmas lights on the patio.

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