The Deal Is!

I’m so old fashioned. Or as they say, “I’m so 10 years ago.”

I don’t visit coffee places much. I still don’t understand them and they actually scare me. What do you call them anyway? Coffee places? Coffee shops? Porn shops?

Most of what you would consider my mental and emotional makeup was formed when I was about 25 years old. It all happened in one day actually, I think it was a Tuesday. April. Yeah. A Tuesday in April. So everything I understand about life came to my mind on that day and that day only. Everything that has appeared in our culture since then is confusing to me.

I’m not “up on things” like I should be. I would prefer to say I’m not “hip,” but chances are you’re too young to understand what the hell I’m referring to. This includes coffee places. The number of times I’ve been in a coffee place since the early 1990’s can be counted on one hand. Two hands if your hands are small. To me, coffee is something you make at 5 am in a drip coffee maker. You add powdered imitation creamer if you like, or sugar or heroin if you’re an addict.. If you don’t know what a drip coffee maker is I don’t have time to explain it to you.

I don’t know how to behave in those coffee places, and sure as hell have no idea what to order most of the time or how to order it. I’m not sure but from what I’ve heard you can buy cookies and other baked goods as well as weird little snacks that look like sushi that come on these funky white plates that look like they’re from the Jetson’s cartoon on TV. Oh, God. You probably don’t know what the hell The Jetson’s are either…

I think the biggest reason I don’t go in those places is I’m a coffee moron. I don’t know how to read the menu, and I don’t know what the descriptions mean. The people behind the counter are always real nice, but they talk fast like they’re on crack and when they ask you what you want, THEY WANT ANSWERS NOW, MISTER!

I’ll give you an example of what I mean. True story: I was driving with someone about a year ago, it would be a year and a half if you’re looking at a small calendar. The person I was with said, “Can we stop so I can get a latte?” I got real nervous, as if someone had just asked if we could stop on the street corner and buy drugs. “Yeah, sure” I said.. I figured I would just stay in the car because I heard a rumor that in coffee places coffee morons get beat up by thugs with baseball bats.

We stopped in the parking lot, right outside the front door. My companion asked if I wanted anything as she was getting out of the car. She started a conversation that went something like this:

“Sure you don’t want anything? Don’t you want a latte or something?”
“Yeah, sure I’ll have a latte.”
“What size do you want?”
“I’ll have a regular.”
“They don’t have regulars. You want a 12 or 16 ounce?”
“Yeah, get me either one.”
“You want soy?” “What…. (thinking fast)…. You mean soy sauce?”
“No, soy milk.”
“No, don’t want soy.”
“You want it light?”
“Well, I want to carry it with one hand so I guess so. It can’t be too heavy.”
“Why do you come in with me. Its a nice place.”

So, I went in. I sort of meandered around in the back of the place away from the counter trying to look like a homeless person so I wouldn’t be bothered by the staff. I didn’t want them to figure out I was a coffee moron and beat me up.

They noticed me of course. A nice young lady asked how I was doing, and I mumbled something about none of your f*cking business or something like that. Then she trapped me. My companion had ordered for me but the lady behind the counter asked me a question, and the staff in those places ask you real fast to trick you into buying stuff you don’t want.. It was something like this: (you have to read this real fast to get the proper effect) “Whileyourewaitingwouldyouliketotryafrickenfrackpastryoraglutenfreegraincracker
withraspberryjaminsidewealsohavecdswithpeterframptonmusicplayingbackwards.”

Remember, I can’t look like a coffee moron so I just kinda did a little shuffle and gave her a “I know what I’m doing look” and said “Let me get back to you on that.”

I didn’t want to ask her to explain in simple two syllable words what the hell she was trying to sell me, because then the coffee moron siren would go off and…. You know, I’d be beat up out in the street. I didn’t want to say yes, because she talked so fast for all I know she could have been selling me a car. Or two.

My companion mumbled something to the lady behind the counter who tried to sell me a car then turned to me and asked if I wanted a whip too.. I freaked out.. “My god! Don’t talk about that kind of stuff in here. There’s kids in the place!” Now I’m standing there thinking I’m a coffee moron and a pop culture sex moron because I don’t know how to get whipped and drink a latte at the same time.

I think they should have special coffee places for coffee morons. Just some tables and chairs, coffee cups, a drip coffee maker, some powdered creamer, and heroin just in case you’re an addict. I’ll be the first customer. Maybe the only one. But at least I won’t get beat up.

My daughter came to me last fall and said she wanted to follow in the family tradition and play the flute in band at school.  I played the flute for 7 years in school including in the Mt. Tahoma Marching Band and at all of the football games.  It was a great experience for me.  My sister played the flute for about 5 years in school. She was also in the Mt. Tahoma band.  My daughter goes to public school in University Place, WA.  She chose band over chorus and orchestra.  I was very proud of her after watching her progress at her last performance.

She was always practicing and bringing her flute everywhere she went, grandma’s, her friend’s house to show off to them how well she played.  She would play for me all the time and for her grandpa and Dad.  One day she took her flute to the playground at Drum Intermediate a local school near our home.  She had a girlfriend with her and her sister and she played the flute for them there.  She must have gotten sidetracked and accidentally left her flute near the playground and came home.  We live about 2 blocks from there.  When she got home she immediately realized that she had left the flute at the school, she ran back to retrieve it but it was sadly gone.

I tried to call Ted Brown and report it but I got a gentleman that said the lady there that dealt with that was not available.  He suggested I call later.  I did call later and she was running a summer camp program.  I called a 3rd time a couple of days later and she was again not available to come to the phone so I left a message for her to call me regarding this.  I received no return phone calls.  I figured I’d better drive across town to Ted Brown and see what I was to do about this.  I knew I had been paying for some sort of insurance since I began renting the instrument back in August of last year. 

When I got to Ted Brown she was not there, she had left for the day.  I spoke to a nice kid that told me how it usually worked and advised me that I would need to notify the University Place Police and file a stolen item report.  I did call the police who did not answer the non-emergency line for more than 20 rings the first time I called then I called again and finally got through to them after many many rings.  The dispatcher that answered said that she would have an officer call me.  I missed that call that evening at about 5pm.  I had given them my work phone number when I called earlier that day around 12 noon. 

I called the next morning and again waited and waited and waited for the non emergency line to be answered.  Finally, when it was picked up I let the dispatcher know that I had missed the officer’s call the previous evening and that I had a reference number.  She took my name and the reference number, she again advised me an officer would call me back.  I gave her my cell phone this time.  I got the call later that day and Officer Rather advised me that since my daughter had left it that it would not be considered a stolen item.  Although it magically had disappeared by the time she had ran back to get it!? 

So there I was, about $250.00 into an $800.00 flute payment including insurance and a police force that can’t write me a report that will net me a new instrument for my daughter for the next year.  Instead I am stuck with nothing from them and in turn nothing from Ted Brown.

Nothing except a “Thank You.” “Thank you for paying full price for an instrument that you no longer have, one that was obviously stolen but because it was not stolen under specific circumstances we cannot replace.”  I will end up paying $32.10 for a flute for the next 1.5 years.  The girl that handeled it said that she had asked the manager of Ted Brown if they could make and exception and she was told “No!” 

I was told by Ted Brown that if our car had been broken into and the flute stolen I would have been covered.  If our house had been broken into and the flute was stolen it would have been covered.  If the band instructor would have told my daughter to leave the instrument unsecured in a part of the band area or school it would have been covered.  I am not covered since my daughter accidentally left her instrument somewhere as I would not have been covered had she left it on the bus.  AMAZING!  Imagine how much Ted Brown must make off of insurance that never gets used.  If the manager had discretion to grant me another flute if I were to pay the  deductible I wonder what they do with all of the insurance money that I will now pay on an instrument that I no longer have? 

It sure doesn’t prompt one to be honest.  Honesty got me nowhere in this case.  If you ever misplace your instument just full out lie and tell them that your car was broken into or that your house was robbed otherwise you will just be liable for the full payment and insurance payment on an instrument you also no longer have.  If you can help it at all DO NOT DO BUSINESS WITH TED BROWN IN TACOMA.  There is another music store in Puyallup called Hi HO music, it’s been there for years, also Hghland Hills Music Store on 6th Avenue in Tacoma.  I will most likely go to one of those for my other daughter’s instument and for the replacement for this one.  TED BROWN TACOMA SUCKS!

We went to the University Place festival and we took my nephew Keaton.  It was a great time for all of us.  we all ate corndogs and drank some soda.  We also got to look at all of the really cool cars at the car show.  This picture is of Keaton in a little car replica of one of the bigger cars.  We didn’t get there early enough to see the parade but next year we will make sure not to miss it.  University Place is such a great place to live and I imagine for about the next 10 years it will continue to be.  After that I’m not so sure.  Seems like Tacoma is dumping over into University Place more and more all the time.  I saw a cop at the 7-11 on Cirque and Bridgeport way just the other nite around 9pm.  It looked like he was dealing with either a fight or a theft, I couldn’t tell for sure.  Something you never really used to see around here but was a daily occurrence where I grew up over by 72nd and Portland Ave.  I hope University Place stays nice for a long time, I have kids in this community I’d hate to have to move to Gig Harbor just to feel safe and away from all of the riff raff.

So this year it is going to be BBQ and fireworks as usual.  It is not illegal to light off works here.  Or if it is, everyone’s doin it and there are stands everywhere so who would know what the law is?  We are about to start our BBQ then we will light off the big bangs we got from the Indians, we got a lot this year, but next year will be bigger.  Next year is a $400.00 year for sure! this year was most of that but we’ll see how it turns out, we will post pics of the show probably tomorrow or maybe tonite if I feel energetic.  John, where’s your wife?  I’m getting a little worried about you.  I understand you are going through a tough time, but be careful, please.  All of it is not worth too much worry, you’ll find out in the end, just figure out how to take care of you and your kids that’s the most important thing.

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